To Be A Better Man

I know I’m not going to meet Adam Lambert. Between being bipolar and agoraphobic, plus suffering from PTSD and panic attacks, the deck is stacked against me; I simply can’t tolerate being in a crowd, either for a concert or standing in a clutch of people at a barricade. The amount of well-meaning folks who like to cajole me with “oh, someday, maybe” just don’t understand the debilitating nature of these maladies. The thing is, it’s ok; I don’t have to meet or touch him to have him touch me. It’s the nature of his charisma, his aura, essence, whatever you want to call it, that allows his voice and compassion, his passion for life, to touch and change mine.

I do love hearing about others meeting him, though. It’s a vicarious joy, and the excitement of another person can and does transfer some of that Adam mystique to me, every time.

Fact is, this amazing man, my stepping stone to a healthier stretch of the path before me, doesn’t need to ever touch my hand… because his voice and shining example touch my heart.

When I’m in depression, I have a playlist of Adam’s interviews that I listen to on repeat as I sleep. His voice, as mesmerizing in speech as in song, gives me something positive to focus on, and holds the nightmares at bay. This is a gift I intend to repay by striving to get better, to do better, to become the sort of person who is capable of helping others. With a gift like that, it just doesn’t matter that I can’t meet him in person. In my heart, I already have.


© W.R.R. 9/20/2011

For all survivors of any form of rape or abuse; you are not alone. Speak out. Find your path to healing.

About W.R.R.

Bipolar & survivor of incest/child sex abuse and adult male rape; bisexual, polyamorist, poet/writer/advocate & married father of four. View all posts by W.R.R.

3 responses to “To Be A Better Man

  • Ranmaru-san

    That line, “You make me want to be a better man,” I never quite understood how much it could really mean until I “met” you. And I suppose I can thank Adam, in a roundabout way, for that. You and I have such different circumstances, yet our similarities can be overwhelming. We may never meet in person, but never has a person taken up residence in my heart the way you have. You have opened my heart and eyes to so many things, new experiences, new emotions, and there aren’t enough ways I can thank you. Adam may be one of your stepping stones, but you are one of mine. My friend and my brother.
    Love you.

  • jesha84

    Short and sweet and so genuinely heartfelt. I’m one of those people who says “maybe, someday”, but at the same time I do have some idea of how dibilitating such problems can be. Watching you grow and come to a better place among friends you may never meet has been a pleasure. I’m so thrilled that your b/f brought you to Adam, and that Adam brought you to our world. I look up to your strength and positive attitude and hope that one day I can have it too. Love you, hun.

  • lovingadam1031

    I can relate completely to your situation. I have depression and PTSD and don’t want to leave the house but do only when necessary. Adam has changed my life and given me a reason to get up each morning. He touches more people than he could possibly imagine. His voice is heavenly and his character is undeniably angelic.

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