The following is an expansion of my comment on this excellent article on the Good Men Project, by Kile Ozier:
Men are Being Sexually Assaulted in the Military, but Nobody is Talking About it
I am a male survivor of rape as a child and as an adult, though I was never in the military. I was born into and grew up in a child sex ring, run by my father. I was raped by both men and women as a toddler and older. The first rape was by my father, when I was four years old. By age five, I was rented for sex and used in the making of child porn. There were many children in the ring, and several of them were boys.
The sad truth is that most people just don’t want to hear that males can be and are victims of rape. Even fewer want to hear that some males are raped by females, and not always in a statutory rape situation. These ignorant people believe males should be strong enough to fight off a rapist, even a small boy should be able to fight off a grown man. They don’t seem to hear how ludicrous they sound. A male can be (and they are) raped in many of the same ways a female is raped, such as ambush, weapons used, rape by a person they trust, drunk victims raped, unconscious victims raped, the list goes on….
I believe and stand by everything Kile Ozier said in the article linked above. I fervently wish fear, disgust, ignorance and resentment wouldn’t blind the majority to the particular horrors that male rape victims and survivors face.
Yes, rape is a horror for female victims and survivors, too. Yet most people don’t doubt that a female can be raped. Doubt and even the refusal to believe (for many ignorant reasons) that males can be raped, along with all the sick stigma and demonizing of homosexuals, are the prime reasons male victims and survivors stay silent.
On the subject of stigma, female victims don’t often have their status as “a woman”, in the cultural sense, thrown into question (and ridiculed) because of rape. Male victims and survivors experience this questioning and ridicule nearly every time if they report the crime, whether officially to authorities, or just to people they know. They are also sometimes attacked, even beaten up, because they were raped. I’ve experienced these things personally.
I can call a male rape victim’s silence self-preservation, because it often is exactly that. Male victims also remain silent and fall into drug and alcohol abuse and suicide because males are told they “can’t” show emotion, ask for help, or tell anybody that they are in terrible pain due to rape.
Male rape, just like female rape, isn’t going to go away or stop by ignoring it. It doesn’t matter if the topic makes you uncomfortable. If your neighbor, brother, son, or best male friend were assaulted with a hammer and needed to heal, would you judge, shun or loathe him? Probably not. So why are male victims of rape judged, shunned or loathed? They are the same man or boy you considered a friend or loved family member before the rape.
Why is “gay” all mixed up and demonized in the stigma surrounding male rape? Rape DOES NOT change sexual orientation. Homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, queer and transmen are raped just as straight men are raped. Being “gay” or not has nothing to do with “asking for it” anymore than a woman wearing a short skirt is “asking for it”. Also, when most male rape help resources only cite “Don’t worry, rape can’t make you gay”, that is a stab in the ribs to any homosexual or GBT rape victim or survivor who comes to your site hoping to find help. Perhaps we need an additional “Don’t worry, rape can’t make you straight” platitude for LGBTQ victims/survivors?
Most males who rape males are not “gay”. They are “straight”. Most pedophile males who rape boys are not “gay”, they are “straight”. So please, America, stop making sick rape jokes about a boy “being gay and getting some” because a male pedophile raped him. Also, a boy is not “lucky” if a hot teacher rapes him. Gay or straight, that boy is raped. If you wish to dispute these points, and you are not a male rape victim or survivor, please sit down and go research statistics on male rape.
I also encounter (many times) a certain type of feminist (though not all of them are like this) who get angry in general if male victims and survivors of rape are mentioned in any context, for any reason. This type of feminist, man or woman, tries to silence me and push their agenda right over me. To my ears, their agenda appears to be this: “Only female victims of rape exist, and even if males are raped, they don’t matter as much as female victims.” Now for those who want to jump in and attack me over this paragraph, you may be the problem. Please sit down and go research the prevalence of male rape.
One of the worst stigmas may be the common rape center/org mantra: Teach Men Not to Rape. How about if we teach all people not to rape? Because some women are rapists, and we should teach girls not to rape right alongside the boys. The prevalent and ignorant notion that “only men rape, only women are raped” needs to be stopped, and stamped out. Why? Because, like it or not, some women and girls rape, and some men and boys are raped.
As a male survivor of rape, I am sick of seeing and hearing others say I don’t exist. Male rape victims exist, folks – whether you want to believe it or not. You can’t make us disappear just because the crime that is destroying us too makes you feel uncomfortable.
~ ~ ~
© W.R.R. 5/21/2013
For all survivors of any form of rape or abuse; you are not alone. Speak out. Find your path to healing.
Child sex trafficking rings are real and they exist in all countries of the world. These monsters use living children to make disgusting films and photos, to sell to other monsters. They rape children. They use children to hurt other children, and the guilt and shame can kill. It will still exist… these children will still suffer… whether you choose to know it or not. Please don’t look away. Knowledge is power, power to save the lives of children.
May 21st, 2013 at 5:19 pm
W.R.R. Thank you for your powerful, public response to my piece on Good Men, and for this profoundly moving and articulate expansion of that, here. I’m honored that you found comradeship in what I wrote…
May 23rd, 2013 at 10:47 am
Thanks so much for this comment, Kile, and again for your article. Some people will never want to hear, never want to know; but we have to keep telling them anyhow.
May 21st, 2013 at 6:59 pm
W.R.R., I can barely speak or breathe after reading your sincere, courageous and so needed testimony. This is a scream from the core of human integrity (and your soul, and thank you for that), and a call to all of us to reflect on what sexual violence is (and any form of violence), for all genders, from all genders… We must give our best, our truly best, to stop this, once and for all.
Un abrazo, and forever my gratitude, VJ
(I’m much older than you, but also an incest survivor, and part of a “friends’ ring” -my father’s-… i can only try to imagine what you lived and endured… and will always fail.
My respect will never be enough… your generosity is immense)
May 23rd, 2013 at 10:51 am
Vinka, thank you for this. I cried when I read it, and it helps me so much. There are so few of us who survived a pedophile ring, I only knew of one other, and now you. It helps me to know that others survived that, too. We are far stronger than we think we are.
May 24th, 2013 at 2:29 pm
WRR, i’m posting just to say: Thank u so much! Your braveness it’s helping others to assume and heal this hard episode of their lives.
Sincerely and gratefull from Chile,
June 2nd, 2013 at 10:46 pm
Y’all are the people I have prayed for, for over 25 years. I read a book written by a survivor of a pedophile ring and it changed my life forever. I have prayed specifically, MOST every full moon because I knew it was a given that abuse would take place. I prayed against every imaginable atrocity because I knew. I prayed BEFORE full moons. I never told anyone I was praying because there is a lot if backlash that goes along. I have prayed, and prayed and prayed yet I feel like I failed. I AM so hurt and sorry for the abuse each has expressed. I know narcissist will NEVER say they are sorry so I will say it for them. “I’m sorry.”
I pray for much success in your recovery and in your endeavor to fight against the plague of a pedophile RING. It is not a 2 billion dollar industry because there are a few rich child molesters. They are organized and you have knowledge. It’s very powerful….and dangerous.
I am so sorry. I wanted to come and get you. I was looking. I have been looking. I desperately wanted for nothing evil or wicked to happen to you. I prayed and wept. I feel like I failed. I didn’t save you. I wanted to. Y’all were and have been on my mind constantly. I feel like it is part of why I’m here to pray for the victims of pedophile rings. I care about all abused people but the victims of the pedophile rings have my heart.
I have ask, “Where are you God?” Where was He? I knew it was still happening. I would be more specific in my prayers. I would pray in advance of a full moon. Where was He? Can you tell me?
I want to use God as a knife to kill those people. God doesn’t work like that. I don’t agree. I don’t know a lot. I’m still trusting and praying. Still.
I wanted to take you from those atrocities. I would have killed for you and I think I would have died for you. I just want you to know, I have cared for over 25 years and I still do. There are still victims out there. I love you my friend and I’m sorry I failed to rescue you.