Author Archives: W.R.R.

About W.R.R.

Bipolar & survivor of incest/child sex abuse and adult male rape; bisexual, polyamorist, poet/writer/advocate & married father of four.

Time Heals All Wounds? Time Lies

(Trigger Warning for child sexual abuse and rape. This is a plea to those who are not survivors of trauma; please try to understand how we feel, and what we face.)

“Time heals all wounds.”

This is a concept some swear by, while others disdain and reject it. I’m in the latter group. If I may argue semantics for a moment, take a look at the word “wound”. If you break your arm, a doctor puts it in a cast and it gets better; soon you can use it again and it is healed – just as good as new. For some people, it isn’t that simple. There are emotional, mental, and psychological wounds, and even some physical wounds, that don’t ever heal “as good as new”.

Sometimes damage from a car wreck or a wound received in military combat simply can’t be fixed as neatly as a broken arm in a cast. What of the person who can never walk again? What of the soldier who suffered a brain injury from a head wound and a good portion of his or her mental and physical capacity, and ability, are gone forever? Can we say time healed those wounds? Would those afflicted with them agree?

Emotional wounds are often lumped under the quaint “time heals all” verbal bandage, as well. The stages of grief are bandied about with the same blind fervor of a child rubbing a severed rabbit’s foot for luck. (Speaking of wounds that don’t heal, the rabbit never got his foot back.) People, both the afflicted and their loved ones, often mention this or that stage of grief as if they are an announcer watching a horserace: “He’s in denial, denial, now he’s in anger! Here’s bargaining hedging in from the inside rail, with depression surging up behind. Now coming around the bend, depression and acceptance are neck and neck. Yes! It’s acceptance, folks! Acceptance wins the cup! What a race!”

This chaotic rush to “get over” grief and trauma can cause serious problems down the road, whether the afflicted person rushes their own healing or others pressure them, often due to being tired of hearing about it all. Steps are rushed or skipped by the drive to “be better”, and the external and internal pressure for this can be equal in causing damage. The stages of survivorship (victim, survivor, and thriver) can be rushed in the same manner as the stages of grief. So too, can healing in general be rushed, and some things or stages taken out of the safer order.

Nobody should be under external pressure to “hurry up and get better” and we should all be wary of internal pressure in this area, also. Whether the issue is grief, trauma, injury, mental illness, stress, etc., a solid foundation needs to be built at each stage so that we have firm footing while we reach up to the next stage.

This is the same for things like reporting a rape; it is far healthier to be sure it is one’s own decision for the right reasons. Health, safety, mental health, etc. need to be considered. There is a lot of external pressure in the world to report; but if the victim isn’t ready and despair and social fallout lead them to suicide (or gets them murdered), what is gained? Yes, it is generally preferred to report; help catch the rapist so they don’t rape again, etc. Yet the laws need to change to help victims and survivors, too. The stats I read said that only 3% of rapists ever even spend one day in jail, and that is in the case of reported rapes. That means victims reported, but 97% of rapists go free anyhow. So why re-traumatize a victim who doesn’t feel safe to report? Help them to be safe, instead of pressuring them to act before they are ready. This goes double for a child who has been raped.

With traumas like child abuse, child sexual abuse, and rape, especially when victims are so young that their formative years are still ahead of them, studies have begun to show that things are happening physiologically, psychologically, and emotionally that can physically change the way the brain is wired. Pleasure is introduced via sexual abuse hand-in-hand with pain, in many cases leaving the person with their pain/pleasure wiring so mixed up that they get fused and no amount of therapy or medication can fix that. Trauma-caused problems such as phobias, PTSD, anxiety disorders, eating disorders, sexual dysfunctions, and mental disorders can manifest like a grab-bag of horrors. Only some of these things have medication that helps, or a way to work them out in therapy. Even so, survivors who have felt healed for years can be blindsided by a trigger and have to regroup and cope again to get back on their healing path.

Children like I was, abused and raped many times before the age of six, do not develop normally and have many other problems. Things like trust, love, empathy, and compassion can be terrifying and felt to be “not worth the risk”. The lucky ones get help right away, before the extremes of lies, guilt, and shame can set in and warp self-image and development; but many do not get help until years or even decades later – and some never get help at all.

These problems can overshadow a person’s whole life, and every aspect of their life. How can that person grow to trust and love, seek an intimate relationship, or function even half as well as those who were never traumatized? Guilt, shame, fear, and self-hatred bring other problems, such as: self-harm, unsafe sexual behavior, drug and alcohol addictions, and suicidal thoughts. It becomes a race to see if the damage will destroy a person before they can get help; yet even with help (therapy, medications, a loving support system), many of these problems and much of the damage still remains. Of course, the world doesn’t stop or even slow down for traumatized people, and things like nightmares, flashbacks, and triggers seem to lurk behind every corner.

So what can the traumatized person do? We can learn how to process and heal the things that we can heal, and we can learn coping skills for the wounds that refuse to heal. This is what therapy, medication, and the support of my loving new family helps me to achieve.

Still, it is an ongoing process that I may never be finished with. I was abused and raped for my first twenty-two years on this planet. The first nineteen years were spent as a trafficked sex slave in my parent’s pedophile ring; then the next years I spent homeless in a brutal world of prostitution, starvation, addictions, and still more abuse and more rapes. At this time, I’ve been abused for more of my time alive than I’ve had time away from abuse to begin to heal. In addition to abuse’s inflicted physical, mental, emotional and psychological damage, I am bipolar; a fact I tend to see as a cosmic joke being played on me.

In this state, which others can take breaks from but I cannot, I have found it to be horribly harmful, offensive, and condescending to hear others tell me: “Time heals all wounds.” Will the passage of time make my left eye heal and regain sight after my father ground it out with a lit cigar? Will time restore the mutilation of my face and body? Can time undo the fused pathways in my brain as abuse forged and derailed whatever it could of a child’s developing mind? Can time give me back my physical, spiritual, sexual, and emotional innocence?

This concept of passing minutes must be powerful indeed if it can restore lost experience, too. My first kiss was with my mother. My first time of “sex” was anal rape by my father. Learning to ride a bike? Never did. Prom? It didn’t exist, not for me. First love and making out, giggling with your lover? That was all twisted by my mother, who taught me how to service her from as young as three years of age. Learning how to “be a man” from my father? He taught me how to obey his every command, how to literally worship him as a god, and how to be terrified of him as he raped, beat, and rented my body. Yet time, that vague invention of mankind so that if we count the hours, we’d all know it was “Friday, July 5, 2013”? This concept of passing minutes alone is going to make my body, mind, and past whole and healed? No, it’s not. It can’t, and it never will.

Instead I learn to cope, to process, and through those things, I learn how to heal the things that can be healed. For the rest, there is more to learn about coping and processing, and maybe the healing path in front of me won’t have an end. Maybe healing, like learning in general, will just go on, indefinitely. Despair is a threat, as are triggers. Self-care is a vital lesson. I do not want to die. I want desperately to live. I want to watch my children, abuse-free and loved to bits, grow up and become… whatever they want to become. Through them, I can at least experience a pale echo of things most people take for granted. My oldest is eleven, but someday she may want to go to a prom. She already wants to go to college. My son can learn how to ride bikes, drive cars, and how to be a good man. My twins are only toddlers, but their joy in a simple set of blocks or a sandcastle is teaching me how to feel joy, even if my past mutes the colors and variations of it that they experience.

“Times heals all wounds” is a lie, and for many child sexual abuse and rape survivors it is also a trigger. I’d wager many wounded veterans, people with mental illnesses, and survivors of crippling car accidents may likely feel the same. It isn’t necessary to sooth the hairs on your own arm by handing survivors a hollow platitude like that.

Perhaps examine your thoughts, feelings, fears, and reasons for saying it. Do you sincerely hope the survivor or grieving person will someday heal? Then why not say that, instead? If you reach for the hollow platitudes due to being weary of hearing about that person’s grief or trauma… please don’t. It is far kinder to tell them you are sorry they are suffering and you hope they find their path to healing (and coping). Other hollow platitudes (for me) are: “I’ll pray for you”, “just move on”, “that was years ago”, “you have to forgive to heal”, and other similar empty or triggering words. If you care about being a good person, practice by being kinder to those in pain; especially when the wounds (like grief, mental illness, trauma damage) don’t show up as a visible wound. Perhaps get to know them a little so that you know what may help them and what may trigger or anger them. For instance, religious talk triggers me, no matter how much it may comfort somebody else.

A person suffering from PTSD, grief, trauma, or bipolar deserves the same kind consideration as the person with their arm in a cast; maybe more. After all, the arm will heal and be as good as it ever was. Not all wounds can, or will; for them, we learn to cope. Please help us to cope and heal as much as we are able to. If you can’t do that, then please stand aside in silence and let us get on with it ourselves. Thank you.

~ ~ ~

© W.R.R. 7/5/2013
For all survivors of any form of rape or abuse; you are not alone. Speak out. Find your path to healing.

http://www.asashesscatter.com
wrr@asashesscatter.com
@AsAshesScatter


As Ashes Scatter: My Childhood in a Pedophile Ring

This page was needed, even while posting it triggered me. It is very hard and frightening to speak of these things, but if I can help others, even one, it is worth it.

My story of abuse, in brief:

As Ashes Scatter

I am working on writing my memoir, which can be a very daunting and harrowing undertaking for any survivor. For now, I write it only for me; but I wanted to share some of what I survived, to hopefully help others understand what so many face, even now.

– W.R.R.


Only a Personal Choice is the Right Choice, for Coming Out as LGBTQ

Inspired by this article by Kile Ozier on the Good Men Project:

Stand up. Be visible. Contribute to the solution.

I wanted to share my thoughts on “coming out” via pressure from others.

I was looking forward to seeing the comments on the above article, but I fear the approach may be too draconian and a bit too guilt-trippy for most folks to want to engage with it. Especially when most closeted LGBTQ people aren’t just wary of a vague threat of not being accepted or losing a job. Actually, losing a job these days can ruin somebody’s life and their ability to feed their children. Plus, there is the very real, local and immediate threat of bodily harm and even death for some, according to where they live. Spouses could take away kids and never allow the person to see them again (since the media and society love to spread the lie that “gays are dangerous and will molest kids”). Many are not willing to risk these things, and like the concept of reporting one’s rape, coming out needs to be a personal choice with risks, pros and cons assessed. If fictitious Josh Smith comes out at the urging of others before he is ready, loses his family and ends up committing suicide because the loss of his kids forever is too much to face, what have we, the LBGTQ community, gained? A soundbite? A platform point? Josh is still dead. Likewise, if his neighbor shoots him dead because he doesn’t want “one of them” around his sons? Ignorance and bigotry is killing people right and left these days, so it’s not a vague threat. It is another risk to be carefully considered. Now Josh may kill himself because the loneliness, self-hate, and lies of the closet can cause depression and despair, too, so it’s all a risk – to come out or to not.

I have never been “closeted” as a bisexual; I spent my life hiding my abuse and rapes and didn’t much care if school peers called me gay or beat me up for it. What was that, compared to my home life of abuse? None of them hit harder than my father.

My boyfriend is partially in the closet. He started therapy now to deal with a past of parents who neglected and ignored him, while his father would beat him at any sign of “being soft”. His father spoke almost daily about how “those gays should just be killed” and the threat was not veiled at all what would happen if they knew he was gay. He tried suicide by drinking bleach as a child and his mother only said, “Don’t embarrass the family.” The “gay goes to Hell” was a constant theme, too. As a child, he believed it.

He only has a few friend groups that he thinks don’t know (though I suspect they do and don’t care) but he needs to work that parental BS and abuse out of his mind and heart and then choose for himself to come out fully. He probably has low risk of real danger, as he’s nearly a mascot to the police and the bikers around here. Still, like reporting rape, it is a crucially personal decision. Since each person is the only one who knows their risks, others can urge, but should not try to force or guilt trip that person into taking risks that could end in another person’s death or the ruin of their life.

I never reported my abusers as a child because I would have been killed. I watched them kill others, so it wasn’t an idle threat. As an adult, it took years for the “they’ll find me and hurt me” fear to fade, and to some degree it’s still something I struggle with. Yet I assessed risks and decided to tell, to speak out, to help others.

I have been fortunate, in that I am still alive and I am protected by a new and loving family. Many teens and even children as young as ten are struggling in homophobic homes and are terrified to come out. Some who do are killed, sometimes by their own parent or community. Others are cast out to be homeless, at risk of rape, murder, drugs, prostitution, or starvation. Some kids are bullied to the point of suicide on the mere accusation of being LGBTQ when they aren’t, let alone what happens to the ones who are. The “It Gets Better” video campaign has been helping those kids. So does the Trevor Project. Alas, there are next to no similar help resources for adults.

We also need some serious public relations improvements. If enough of society still hates/fears LGBTQ people and see us as a threat to them and to their children, we need to show them we are not a threat. We need PSAs and other media and laws changed and better examples set. We need to eradicate the lie that “Gays harm boys”. A gay man is attracted to a man, not to his seven-year-old son. Homophobes equate gay with pedophile, and that is the root of the Boy Scouts not allowing adult LGBTQ people to be involved. Pedophiles infiltrate organizations where they will have access to kids. Yet the Boy Scouts of America think boys are being raped because there are gays involved. This is a prime example of a wrong public perception that we need to debunk. Prove to society that LGBTQ is not a threat; that is why the younger generations don’t worry about who is homosexual or not – they don’t see LGBTQ as a threat.

Personally, I know many LGBTQ people in committed relationships who feel most Pride parades don’t represent them at all. When the parades turn into an excuse to have a drunken/drugged barely clothed orgy on a public street, you will have some in society using that as “proof” that LGBTQ is a threat. I’m not telling anybody how to enjoy Pride – just wanted to point out the possibly irrationally unpopular opinion that many family-oriented LGBTQ folks have. Most of them I know avoid Pride because drunken debauchery is not kid-safe. Basically, party wild if you want to folks, but don’t be surprised if Pride footage on the news is used as “proof” that LGBTQ is a threat.

I understand the frustration and the sense that, being on the other side of it without loss of one’s life, a person can look back and say to the closeted person, “Go ahead, it’s okay.” But we usually don’t know the risks they face, and we shouldn’t be so impatient that we are willing lose lives by not giving each person the right and space in which to decide for themselves.

Now that my words will probably be taken as well as a stick hitting a hornet nest, I’ll go sit in my bunker and wait to be attacked over them in general, by whomever.

I appreciate the passion of articles like the one above; but as a rape and abuse survivor, I only see that people need the right to assess risks they face that we don’t know about, and then make a personal choice for themselves. That way, it will be the right choice for them and it will give them strength to face the results of their choice. In the end, community spirit aside, we all have to face those risks and consequences alone, one way or another.

~ ~ ~

© W.R.R. 6/19/2013
For all survivors of any form of rape or abuse; you are not alone. Speak out. Find your path to healing.

http://www.asashesscatter.com
wrr@asashesscatter.com
@AsAshesScatter


Gathering

I am alone
on the fringes of gathering
watching others sing
unable to speak
Like a bird beating wings
and beak on glass
the barrier is felt
even when it does not
exist for them
Lies whisper grains of truth
enough to be believed

Watch them all go
sailing confidently
against wind and rain
unfettered
by past sins, old cruelty
No twist in the gut holds them
or tells them they cannot fly
I cannot hear
the song they bring
with myriad voices rising
in joyous cacophony

In the chop and sky wake
left behind
I seek their patterns
trace the memory
of the softness of wings
like gossamer
jeweled with dew
They gather, then depart
their seasons turn
as mine remain
lost in the gathering dark

~ ~ ~

© W.R.R. 6/17/2013
For all survivors of any form of rape or abuse; you are not alone. Speak out. Find your path to healing.

http://www.asashesscatter.com
wrr@asashesscatter.com
@AsAshesScatter


Comment Policy for As Ashes Scatter

There is a new page up, the journal’s comment policy. My thanks again to Rick Belden for helping me with the idea to do this; I think it will help a lot. The new policy can be found by clicking “Comment Policy” in the header of the journal, or by clicking this link: Comment Policy

Thank you for your cooperation and assistance.


Falling Leaves

In days gone by
as leaves fall
on a kiss of wind
to the cold wet earth
The children whirl
trying to catch them
Small feet shuffle
kicking up leaves
clods of dirt fly
revealing hidden things

As new flashing colors fall
the tears of dying trees
caught by none
they run
breathless
off the beaten path
through the old woods
kicking up leaves
that land with wet sounds
Behind, the dogs run faster

Turn away, turn away
don’t listen as they fall
Hear the snap of branches
the piercing cries
and flutter of birds
pinions of their little wings
spread like tiny fingers
as leaves are stirred
tangled and crushed
beneath the loam

A rain of soft drops
spatter the leaves
as dirt clods fly
and land with wet sounds
Dig, uncover, dig again
until the earth
consumes us all
and whispered secrets
ride the wind like falling leaves
to cover what is left

~ ~ ~

© W.R.R. 1/1/1997
For all survivors of any form of rape or abuse; you are not alone. Speak out. Find your path to healing.

 

http://www.asashesscatter.com
wrr@asashesscatter.com
@AsAshesScatter

 

 

“Falling Leaves”

Survivors of child sexual abuse are as different as leaves in a wood, even when some of us come from the same tree.

~ ~ ~

© W.R.R. 7/13/2012

 


Sweet Smoke Rise

The unburied voices
old brittle echoes
of those who never grew older
they spin and strike
inside dark memory
ricochet
eternal
growing detached
as faces and cries
separate
Feel their loss again
as names never known
swirl like smoke
among the ruins
of I will nots
saturated with the stench
of being shown
over and over
the extinguished tiny candles
forced to watch the sweet smoke rise
No single face forms now
they conspire in the deep places
a cacophony chorus screams
from endless mouths
a blur of eyes accuse
as one they crawl
stunted blood path red behind
smeared by so many
tiny little feet
and grasping crimson hands

~ ~ ~

© W.R.R. 6/3/2013
For all survivors of any form of rape or abuse; you are not alone. Speak out. Find your path to healing.

http://www.asashesscatter.com
wrr@asashesscatter.com
@AsAshesScatter


Words

Words bring comfort to wounded souls
around the moon the whispers flow
into the pain
the healing heart
of another
catch
then let them go

~ ~ ~

© W.R.R. 5-13-2011


Male Rape Exists & It’s Not Going Away If You Ignore It

The following is an expansion of my comment on this excellent article on the Good Men Project, by Kile Ozier:

Men are Being Sexually Assaulted in the Military, but Nobody is Talking About it

I am a male survivor of rape as a child and as an adult, though I was never in the military. I was born into and grew up in a child sex ring, run by my father. I was raped by both men and women as a toddler and older. The first rape was by my father, when I was four years old. By age five, I was rented for sex and used in the making of child porn. There were many children in the ring, and several of them were boys.

The sad truth is that most people just don’t want to hear that males can be and are victims of rape. Even fewer want to hear that some males are raped by females, and not always in a statutory rape situation. These ignorant people believe males should be strong enough to fight off a rapist, even a small boy should be able to fight off a grown man. They don’t seem to hear how ludicrous they sound. A male can be (and they are) raped in many of the same ways a female is raped, such as ambush, weapons used, rape by a person they trust, drunk victims raped, unconscious victims raped, the list goes on….

I believe and stand by everything Kile Ozier said in the article linked above. I fervently wish fear, disgust, ignorance and resentment wouldn’t blind the majority to the particular horrors that male rape victims and survivors face.

Yes, rape is a horror for female victims and survivors, too. Yet most people don’t doubt that a female can be raped. Doubt and even the refusal to believe (for many ignorant reasons) that males can be raped, along with all the sick stigma and demonizing of homosexuals, are the prime reasons male victims and survivors stay silent.

On the subject of stigma, female victims don’t often have their status as “a woman”, in the cultural sense, thrown into question (and ridiculed) because of rape. Male victims and survivors experience this questioning and ridicule nearly every time if they report the crime, whether officially to authorities, or just to people they know. They are also sometimes attacked, even beaten up, because they were raped. I’ve experienced these things personally.

I can call a male rape victim’s silence self-preservation, because it often is exactly that. Male victims also remain silent and fall into drug and alcohol abuse and suicide because males are told they “can’t” show emotion, ask for help, or tell anybody that they are in terrible pain due to rape.

Male rape, just like female rape, isn’t going to go away or stop by ignoring it. It doesn’t matter if the topic makes you uncomfortable. If your neighbor, brother, son, or best male friend were assaulted with a hammer and needed to heal, would you judge, shun or loathe him? Probably not. So why are male victims of rape judged, shunned or loathed? They are the same man or boy you considered a friend or loved family member before the rape.

Why is “gay” all mixed up and demonized in the stigma surrounding male rape? Rape DOES NOT change sexual orientation. Homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, queer and transmen are raped just as straight men are raped. Being “gay” or not has nothing to do with “asking for it” anymore than a woman wearing a short skirt is “asking for it”. Also, when most male rape help resources only cite “Don’t worry, rape can’t make you gay”, that is a stab in the ribs to any homosexual or GBT rape victim or survivor who comes to your site hoping to find help. Perhaps we need an additional “Don’t worry, rape can’t make you straight” platitude for LGBTQ victims/survivors?

Most males who rape males are not “gay”. They are “straight”. Most pedophile males who rape boys are not “gay”, they are “straight”. So please, America, stop making sick rape jokes about a boy “being gay and getting some” because a male pedophile raped him. Also, a boy is not “lucky” if a hot teacher rapes him. Gay or straight, that boy is raped. If you wish to dispute these points, and you are not a male rape victim or survivor, please sit down and go research statistics on male rape.

I also encounter (many times) a certain type of feminist (though not all of them are like this) who get angry in general if male victims and survivors of rape are mentioned in any context, for any reason. This type of feminist, man or woman, tries to silence me and push their agenda right over me. To my ears, their agenda appears to be this: “Only female victims of rape exist, and even if males are raped, they don’t matter as much as female victims.” Now for those who want to jump in and attack me over this paragraph, you may be the problem. Please sit down and go research the prevalence of male rape.

One of the worst stigmas may be the common rape center/org mantra: Teach Men Not to Rape. How about if we teach all people not to rape? Because some women are rapists, and we should teach girls not to rape right alongside the boys. The prevalent and ignorant notion that “only men rape, only women are raped” needs to be stopped, and stamped out. Why? Because, like it or not, some women and girls rape, and some men and boys are raped.

As a male survivor of rape, I am sick of seeing and hearing others say I don’t exist. Male rape victims exist, folks – whether you want to believe it or not. You can’t make us disappear just because the crime that is destroying us too makes you feel uncomfortable.

~ ~ ~

© W.R.R. 5/21/2013
For all survivors of any form of rape or abuse; you are not alone. Speak out. Find your path to healing.

Child sex trafficking rings are real and they exist in all countries of the world. These monsters use living children to make disgusting films and photos, to sell to other monsters. They rape children. They use children to hurt other children, and the guilt and shame can kill. It will still exist… these children will still suffer… whether you choose to know it or not. Please don’t look away. Knowledge is power, power to save the lives of children.

http://www.asashesscatter.com
wrr@asashesscatter.com
@AsAshesScatter


Gordian Knots: My Parents, My Abusers

My parents. My abusers. They both formed me into who and what I am. To heal, I need to understand them. This is how I feel I need to proceed; your path to healing may or may not be similar to mine.

*********************************

My mother is a complex and very broken person. She was probably raised with being sexually and physically abused, then married my father. While I felt that I loved her, both parents abused me physically and sexually; he mostly hurt me and she rarely hurt me, but sexual abuse damages with or without physical harm. She worshipped him, so leaving to save us both was never considered. My father rented me out to pedophiles for money and my mother would say, “He hit you because you didn’t obey him. Please don’t make him angry.” She would cry and beg me to be “good” to avoid being beaten by my father, and sometimes he would beat her to punish me, too; yet she never could make a leap to the idea that she should get us both away from him.

I am making progress in therapy to see the monster that my father was instead of blaming myself for how I am now. However, it has been far more difficult to see the wrong she did. I often cling to the few good memories as a defense to protect her from my own sense of anger that she also abused me. Therapy and all the research I do is beginning to help me in seeing that maybe I don’t need to feel guilt about laying the blame for her crimes at her feet instead of my father’s, or my own.

Still, the impulse to protect her is strong. We “trench-bonded” in the Hell that was my childhood. She was the only person who said they loved me and I could feel it was true. Tainting that, though, was how she let my need for love and affection twist into incest, to try to fill her own unmet needs.

I know that I need to strip off the blinders with her as I have slowly been able to do with my father. Yet it still feels like a betrayal to call her an abuser, because she was so often my only solace and protection, even if both were minimal and largely ineffective.

This is just one of the fallout damage problems of incest and child sexual abuse. We are hardwired to love our parents and to want and seek (and try to earn) their love. They take that and use it against us.

I am getting better at seeing the monster within my father. I am more able to say, “How could you do those things to me?” Even though he is long dead now, and I can never have the answers I need, at least now I am more able to ask those questions.

My mother lives across the country and she is not allowed any contact with my children, and only minimal contact (phone, email) with me. She has to remain in therapy, or all contact with me will stop. She is not allowed to be inappropriate to me. I maintain contact out of a need for answers, but if I try to seek answers from her, she just cries and breaks down. I know she is so damaged, as I am. Yet the urge to protect and shield her, even from my own horror and anger, persists.

Sometimes the conflict between all of these feelings ties me into a terrible Gordian Knot of guilt, shame, anger, fear, and self-hate. Yet the sword therapy taught me to wield that has helped me to cut down the Father Knot seems useless on Mother.

If I am brave enough to be honest with myself though, I know that what I must do is try to untangle them; even the severed halves I was abruptly so desperate to cut down.

What holds me back is fear: the dread of what horrors and memories may be released as the crusted-over strands are finally loosened.

I see myself in a stone hallway with these tangled masses between me and the healing I work toward. I have to go through them and past them, but the understanding I want probably lies in the untangling, not in merely cutting them into pieces I can move beyond.

As I hesitate, sometimes I’m afraid the strands deep within may only wind tighter; yet the courage to kneel, set down the sword, and get to work, seems to be paralyzed in my chest.

In these moments, it is all I can do to breathe. Still, as I breathe, I feel the fear calming, the courage rising, a little more.

Breathe… just breathe. Someday, when we are ready, we will know it is time to begin.

~ ~ ~

© W.R.R. 4/2/2013
For all survivors of any form of rape or abuse; you are not alone. Speak out. Find your path to healing.

http://www.asashesscatter.com
wrr@asashesscatter.com
@AsAshesScatter


Canticle I

If so few truly know
and understand me
even those I’ve shared
so much with for so long
then surely
the fault is mine
Yet it is in my nature
forged by those
who first worked this clay
to conceal, hide, protect
Yet true wisdom tells me
as the forge fires cool
that those who drew the map
in my flesh
are only partly to blame
for my unknown core
For it is I and I alone
who mars the map
in such a way
that no other might ever
hope to follow its paths
to pale soul
bled heart
and damaged mind

~~~

© W.R.R. 7/2/2011
For all survivors of any form of rape or abuse; you are not alone. Speak out. Find your path to healing.

www.asashesscatter.com
wrr@asashesscatter.com
@AsAshesScatter


The Source

There is no measure
for all beauty
all compassion
passion
care and kindness
well up from
the same source
Trickling over
hearts of stone
wetting deserts
of punishing loss
it finds the low places
and slowly
slowly
fills them
In time others see
the still pool
of sweet water
kneel to drink
and soul is refreshed
Yet the source
of the spring
is not in the earth
it is born in the hearts
that have
bled through tears
of pain and joy
until the water
has no choice
but to rise

~~~

© W.R.R. 7/19/2011
For all survivors of any form of rape or abuse; you are not alone. Speak out. Find your path to healing.

www.asashesscatter.com
wrr@asashesscatter.com
@AsAshesScatter


Silence is the Enemy

People often say: “I have no words”. Not me; I have plenty of words. Tracy Morgan speaks about stabbing’ his son to death if he was gay, and this filth surfaces in the comments on CNN’s blog, located here:

http://marquee.blogs.cnn.com/2011/06/10/tracy-morgan-apologizes-for-homophobic-rant/

**********************************

June 10th, 2011 1:30 pm ET

Better dead than gay

Tracy’s healthy son likely would agree: It is better to be stabbed to death by dad, than living like a worm in the filth of another male

dkm

**********************************

I am grateful to the many other commentators on that page who vilified Tracy Morgan for his hate and reiterated how horrid it is to threaten to commit murder because a person loves someone of the same sex.

I am a polyamorous bisexual male. I am a father of four children who are loved and will be raised to not hate and to have compassion. My partners, a man and a woman, live with me and our kids. My male partner grew up with a father who harbored Tracy Morgan’s hatred. He hid his gay nature to save his life and yet tried to kill himself a few times as a child and teen due to fear and not being accepted or loved unless he was something he isn’t. Even pretending to be straight, his father beat him and his mother didn’t care if he breathed or not, as long as he did nothing to “disgrace” the family.

I am a survivor of physical and sexual abuse by both of my parents. I am also bipolar and struggle to stay alive on days when my past makes death seem better. Death is NOT better. People who are happy and not afraid of being harmed for no reason don’t consider suicide to be an option. Unfortunately, many people are in fear for their lives, while haters tell them they should die for being who they are.

LGBT PEOPLE (not just youth) deal with hate and abuse every single day, to one degree or another. They can’t marry in most parts of the world. Interracial marriage was legalized bout 44 years ago. Same-sex marriage is not “wrong” just as interracial marriage wasn’t wrong. Murder and assault are illegal. Freedom of Speech, yes, grateful for it; but yell “Fire!” in a crowded theater as a “joke” and see what the police do in response.

Some people, like the hateful one who wrote the comment above, will always be hateful; some can be helped to change their views. But most of the people complaining that gays are too sensitive and should suck it up and learn how to take a “joke”? The offense on that page is largely not about Tracy Morgan’s “comedy”. Gays and friends of gays are offended that Morgan said he would “stab his son to death if he said he was gay.” That’s not a joke, that’s hate.

I love comedy, I love “dirty humor”. I’m a fan of some very foul-mouthed comedians; but the comics I like don’t say things like that. What really makes me sad and angry is that controversy like this digs deep and pulls some ugly filth up from the dregs in the process. I know the LGBT community has come far, but when I read comments like the one above, I realize how far we still have to go. I just hope we’re all along for the ride and that none of our community will hurt themselves because others that spew such hate make them feel that there is no hope. There is hope. It does get better – but not by sitting around telling ourselves it’s going to be ok. We have to act. We have to speak out. We have to MAKE IT get better.

“Speak. Act. Silence is the enemy.”

~ ~ ~

© W.R.R. 6/10/2011

For all survivors of any form of rape or abuse; you are not alone. Speak out. Find your path to healing.

http://www.asashesscatter.com
wrr@asashesscatter.com
@AsAshesScatter


What If Beauty

What if beauty were acidic
burning as acid or fire
no cloth, no covering
could remain
What if beauty was so radiant
we didn’t need the sun
as glory such as this walked by
lighting the earth in its darkness
The world would change
shame of the body would fade
we would be like exotic flowers
blooming in the glow of the moon
This dream lifts me out of pain
with the sacred scent of flowers
that never did exist
Yet as I wake, I behold such beauty
that my eye waters in the light
Reach to touch, skin to skin
as I look in your beautiful eyes
I begin to burn

~ ~ ~

© W.R.R. 12/28/2012
For all survivors of any form of rape or abuse; you are not alone. Speak out. Find your path to healing.

http://www.asashesscatter.com
wrr@asashesscatter.com
@AsAshesScatter


Pretty Maids

Standing quiet
refusing to cry
as tears gleam
on other cheeks
this little doll
with golden curls
smiled to take my pain
The words were said
the play begun
and little kisses
began the rest
tiny red, they whispered
it’s only a game
but those dark things
that had to follow
swept all light away
My pretty maid
so brave and still
a doll to break
for cruel wants
that were never mine
my princess see
all I want when dark is done
is to see you free of me

~ ~ ~

© W.R.R. 12/5/1993
For all survivors of any form of rape or abuse; you are not alone. Speak out. Find your path to healing.

Child sex trafficking rings are real and they exist in all countries of the world. These monsters use living children to make disgusting films and photos, to sell to other monsters. They use children to hurt other children, and the guilt and shame can kill. It will still exist… these children will still suffer… whether you choose to know it or not. Please don’t look away. Knowledge is power, power to save the lives of children.

http://www.asashesscatter.com
wrr@asashesscatter.com
@AsAshesScatter